Enjoying Everyday Life

EZEKIEL 11:19. ALRIGHT, THIS IS SO GOOD! THE LAW CAME ON STONE TABLETS REPRESENTING THAT IT WOULD BE HARD TO KEEP, HARD TO DO, AND ANYBODY WHO EVEN MANAGED TO KEEP MOST OF IT WOULD BE HARDHEARTED. THIS IS WHAT EZEKIEL SAYS, TALKING ABOUT THE NEW COVENANT: (vs. 19) AND I WILL GIVE THEM ONE HEART [A NEW HEART] AND I WILL PUT A NEW SPIRIT WITHIN THEM; AND I WILL TAKE THE STONY [UNNATURALLY HARDENED] HEART OUT OF THEIR FLESH, AND I WILL GIVE THEM A HEART OF FLESH [ONE SENSITIVE AND RESPONSIVE TO THE TOUCH OF THEIR GOD].

WOW!  WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HARDHEARTED AND WHEN YOU’VE BEEN HURT A LOT, SOMETIMES THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. I HAD A FATHER WHO WAS LEGALISTIC AND HE RAISED ME VERY MUCH WITHOUT ANY KIND OF GENTLENESS, KINDNESS, MERCY, OR UNDERSTANDING. WELL, I BECAME THE SAME WAY. I WAS VERY RIGID AND LEGALISTIC EVEN WITH MY CHILDREN. I MEAN, WE HAD RULES, WE HAD GUIDELINES, WE HAD THIS, WE HAD THAT. EVERYBODY BETTER MARCH THE CHALK LINE OR MAMA WAS GOING TO BE MAD AND YOU KNOW WHEN MAMA’S NOT HAPPY, NOBODY’S HAPPY. (laughing)

I EXPECTED THEM ALL TO BE WHAT I WANTED THEM TO BE. YOU NEED TO DO THIS. YOU NEED TO DO THAT. I DIDN’T HAVE A SOFT, TENDER, GENTLE HEART. YOU KNOW WHY?  I WENT TO CHURCH BUT I DIDN’T SPEND ANY TIME WITH GOD. IS ANYBODY HEARING ME? WHEN YOU START SPENDING TIME WITH LOVE, THEN YOU START WANTING TO LOVE OTHER PEOPLE AND GOD TENDERIZES YOUR HARD HEART. ONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR HEART BECOMES TENDER IS YOU BECOME MERCIFUL, YOU’RE WILLING TO GIVE PEOPLE MERCY, AND YOU LEARN THAT LOVE ALWAYS BELIEVES THE BEST. WHEN SOMEBODY TAKES THE PARKING PLACE IN THE MALL PARKING LOT THAT YOU’VE BEEN SITTING THERE WAITING ON FOR FIVE MINUTES, INSTEAD OF RANTING AND RAVING AND ROLLING DOWN YOUR WINDOW AND CUSSING WHILE YOU HAVE YOUR BUMPER STICKER ON YOUR CAR, (laughing)

YOU CAN SAY: WELL, I’M JUST GOING TO CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THAT THEY DIDN’T SEE ME. IT’S POSSIBLE!  IT’S POSSIBLE! LOVE BELIEVES THE VERY BEST. WE GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. IN MATTHEW 12, JESUS SAID: GO AND LEARN WHAT THIS MEANS: I DESIRE MERCY AND NOT SACRIFICE. HE DOESN’T WANT OUR RELIGIOUS SACRIFICES. HE WANTS US TO BE MERCIFUL TO PEOPLE.  HE DOESN’T WANT US TRYING TO GIVE HIM SACRIFICES EVERY TIME WE MAKE A MISTAKE. HE WANTS US TO RECEIVE HIS MERCY AND IF WE WILL RECEIVE THE MERCY OF GOD FOR OUR FAILURES, THEN MERCY WILL FLOW THROUGH US TO OTHER PEOPLE.

I THOUGHT: MAN, I HAVE TO STRAIGHTEN HER OUT! THEN GOD SAID: NOT YET. NOT YET. OH, WELL, LORD! NOT YET. I’LL TELL HER, JOYCE, WHEN IT’S TIME FOR HER TO GIVE THAT UP. (applause) YES, WHAT SHE WAS DOING WAS WRONG BUT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH FOR HER IN WEEK ONE. (applause) STAND UP FOR A MINUTE, DEBORAH. OH, DON’T MAKE FACES AT ME. (laughing) GET HER ON THE SCREEN. THIS IS DEBORAH. DEBORAH WORKS FOR ME FULL-TIME. YOU CAN SIT DOWN. SHE DOES MY HAIR. SHE KEEPS ME LOOKING PRETTY AND SHE… (applause) THAT’S NOT ALL SHE DOES. IT’S NOT A FULL-TIME JOB DOING MY HAIR. (laughing)

I THOUGHT I’D BETTER STRAIGHTEN THAT OUT BEFORE I GET MORE LETTERS. (laughing)

SHE JUST DOES ALL KINDS OF THINGS BUT WHEN I MET HER 13 YEARS AGO, SHE WAS LIVING WITH HER BOYFRIEND, DOING SOCIAL DRUGS, SHE’D BEEN LIVING WITH HIM FOR A LONG TIME, DOING SOCIAL DRUGS, GAMBLED, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS. WELL, IT TOOK THREE YEARS OF JUST BEING GOOD TO HER AND NOT CONDEMNING HER AND NOT JUDGING HER AND JUST BEING ME – JUST BEING ME, SHE ACCEPTED THE LORD, SHE GOT BAPTIZED IN THE HOLY GHOST, SHE GOT MARRIED, NOW SHE’S WORKING FULL-TIME IN THE MINISTRY. IF I HAD GONE IN WEEK ONE AND SAID “YOU CAN’T BE DOING THAT AND YOU CAN’T BE DOING THAT AND YOU CAN’T BE DOING THAT”… SOME PEOPLE WOULD MUCH RATHER BE RELIGIOUS THAN TO LOVE SOMEBODY. (applause)

THE BIBLE TELLS US WE NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHO WE SPEND TIME WITH. I DIDN’T START JUST HANGING OUT WITH DEBORAH ALL THE TIME. WE NEVER WENT OUT AND ATE. I SAW HER IN THAT PLACE OF BUSINESS AND I JUST LET THE LOVE OF GOD SHINE THROUGH ME. I GAVE HER THINGS, I TALKED TO HER RESPECTFULLY, AND IT WASN’T VERY LONG. I SAID TO HER: SO, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT LIVING WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND? (laughing) BECAUSE SHE HAD A TEENAGE SON AND SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD THAT ALL WORKED OUT BECAUSE HE HAD ONE BEDROOM AND SHE HAD ANOTHER ONE, THEREFORE, SHE THOUGHT THAT WAS OKAY.

I SAID: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT LIVING WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND? SHE SAID: I KNOW IT’S WRONG. SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? WHY DON’T YOU GET MARRIED? NOT ME! I GOT ABUSED BY ONE MAN. I’LL NEVER MARRY ANOTHER ONE. SO WE HAD TO WORK THROUGH THAT AND THAT TOOK SOME TIME. THE WHOLE POINT IS I COULD HAVE LOST HER IF I WOULDN’T HAVE FISHED WITH THE RIGHT BAIT. (applause) THEY’RE PROBABLY ALL WONDERING IF I’VE EMBARRASSED YOU. I HAVEN’T EMBARRASSED YOU, HAVE I?  SHE DOESN’T CARE. SHE KNOWS WHO SHE IS IN CHRIST. GO TO EZEKIEL 11:19. (applause)  I TELL YOU, WE CHRISTIANS ARE A CLAPPING BUNCH OF PEOPLE, AREN’T WE? (laughing)

THE MAIN REASONS WHY CHRISTIANS ARE BORED AND WHY THEY EVEN SIT AROUND AND MURMUR AND COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME IS BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING. (applause) A REAL CHRISTIAN IS NOT HARSH AND HARD.  THERE’S A GENTLENESS, A KINDNESS ABOUT THEM. A REAL CHRISTIAN, I BELIEVE, GIVES PEOPLE FREEDOM TO BE THEMSELVES, (Glory!) BUT RELIGION LIKES TO CONTROL. “IF YOU’RE GOING TO GO TO THIS CHURCH, YOU HAVE TO COMB YOUR HAIR THIS WAY AND YOU CAN’T WEAR THOSE, YOU CAN’T WEAR THOSE, YOU CAN’T HAVE THESE, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT.” (Amen!) (applause)

“IF YOU WANT TO BE HERE, THEN YOU’D BETTER GO HOME AND GET ALL THAT STRAIGHTENED UP, THEN YOU CAN COME BACK.” WHAT A PATHETIC MESS THAT IS. ARE WE REALLY READY FOR REVIVAL?  I MEAN, ARE WE REALLY READY FOR REVIVAL? (applause) I KNOW OF A CHURCH OVER IN ENGLAND THAT WAS A VERY RELIGIOUS CHURCH, HAD BEEN THERE FOR LIKE HUNDREDS OF YEARS, AND HAD MAYBE A HUNDRED PEOPLE.  IT HAD BEEN AROUND FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS AND STILL HAD A HUNDRED PEOPLE. THE PASTOR GOT A VISION FROM GOD TO START A BUS MINISTRY TO HURTING PEOPLE IN THE INNER CITIES AND TO BUS IN PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T HAVE A WAY TO GET TO CHURCH – THE POOR, THE NEEDY – TO BRING PEOPLE IN FROM NURSING HOMES, TO BRING PEOPLE IN FROM SHELTERS, AND MOST OF HIS CHURCH LEFT BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE “BUS PEOPLE.” BUT THEY’D BEEN PRAYING FOR REVIVAL. MOST CHRISTIANS WOULD RATHER PRAY AND CRY ABOUT REVIVAL THAN TO HAVE ONE, (applause)

BECAUSE IF YOU GET ONE, ALL THE PEOPLE WHO COME IN ARE NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY PEOPLE LIKE YOU. THEY’RE NOT ALL GOING TO SMELL NICE, THEY’RE NOT ALL GOING TO ACT NICE, THEY’RE NOT ALL GOING TO KNOW HOW TO TALK. THEY MIGHT EVEN STILL USE A LITTLE BAD LANGUAGE. GOD MIGHT EVEN TELL YOU NOT TO CORRECT THEM RIGHT AWAY IF YOU’RE LISTENING TO HIM. “NOW, BROTHER, YOU CAN’T USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN HERE.” THEY DO NEED TO GET THAT STRAIGHTENED OUT BUT I’VE HAD PEOPLE COME UP HERE TO TESTIFY AND… (laughing)

LET OUT A COUPLE OF CUSS WORDS. YOU SAY: WHAT DID YOU DO? WELL, NOT MUCH, JUST HOPED THEY GIVE A SHORTER TESTIMONY AND MOVE IT ON. (applause) I THINK I DID PUT MY ARM AROUND ONE LADY AND SAID: THAT’S OKAY, WE UNDERSTAND BUT YOU’LL CHANGE. (laughing) IN DUE TIME, SISTER, YOU’LL CHANGE. I REMEMBER ONE WOMAN WHO CAME TO MY OFFICE FOR COUNSELING AND SHE WAS REALLY WANTING A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. SHE HAD JUST GOTTEN BORN AGAIN AND SHE WAS SO EXCITED, AND IN THE PROCESS OF TALKING TO ME, SHE TOLD ME HOW SHE WAS LIVING WITH HER BOYFRIEND.

I’M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT. WE JUST NEED TO CHANGE OUR ATTITUDE. IF WE COULD JUST DO ONE OF THOSE SUPERMAN THINGS AND GET OUR LITTLE RELIGIOUS SELVES IN THE PHONE BOOTH, TURN AROUND ABOUT THREE TIMES, AND COME OUT A REAL CHRISTIAN. (cheering) (applause)  HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE? WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN IN THE WORLD IF CHRISTIANS WERE ACTING LIKE REAL CHRISTIANS? WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD EVEN HAPPEN IN YOUR CHURCH? HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE THE CHURCH SHOULD NOT BE FULL OF GOSSIP, STRIFE, BACKBITING, BICKERING, AND ARGUING? (applause)

MAN, I REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO BE ON THE BOARD OF OUR DENOMINATIONAL CHURCH AND I DON’T MEAN ANY OF THIS TO SOUND RUDE OR CRUDE BUT I’M JUST TRYING TO SHOW YOU. I CAN REMEMBER DAVE GOING TO ELDERS’ MEETINGS AND THEY WOULD ARGUE THE WHOLE NIGHT OR DISCUSS THE WHOLE NIGHT OVER WHAT COLOR TO PAINT THE FRONT DOOR WHILE PEOPLE ARE DYING AND GOING TO HELL ALL OVER THE PLACE. THAT KIND OF STUFF IS SUCH A WASTE OF TIME. JUST PAINT THE DOOR. WHATEVER COLOR YOU PAINT IT, SOMEBODY’S NOT GOING TO LIKE IT, SO JUST PAINT IT. (applause)

LET’S LOOK AT FIRST JOHN 4:12: NO MAN HAS AT ANY TIME YET SEEN GOD.  BUT IF WE LOVE ONE ANOTHER, GOD ABIDES (LIVES AND REMAINS) IN US AND HIS LOVE (THAT LOVE WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY HIS) IS BROUGHT TO COMPLETION (TO ITS FULL MATURITY, IT RUNS ITS FULL COURSE, AND IS PERFECTED) IN US! YOU MIGHT NEED TO LOOK AT THAT FOR A LONG TIME BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT THIS MEANS. GOD SAID: I’M PUTTING MY LOVE IN YOU SO IT CAN FLOW THROUGH YOU AND REACH SOMEBODY ELSE. GOD WANTS TO USE YOU AS A CHANNEL. YOU’RE NOT A RESERVOIR, YOU’RE A CHANNEL. YOU’RE NOT A COLLECTION STATION OF STUFF; YOU’RE A CHANNEL TO LET GOD FLOW THROUGH YOU. PEOPLE WHO DEAL IN WITCHCRAFT FIND PEOPLE WHO CAN CHANNEL EVIL SPIRITS. I THINK IT’S SO WEIRD ALL THE STUFF THEY COME UP WITH THAT’S JUST A PERVERSION OF WHAT GOD WANTS US TO BE. HE WANTS US TO BE A CHANNEL FOR HIM.  HE WANTS HIS SPIRIT, THE HOLY SPIRIT, THE SPIRIT OF GOODNESS AND LOVE TO FLOW THROUGH US AND REACH OUT TO OTHER PEOPLE. GOD SAID: REALLY MY LOVE IS NOT COMPLETED, IT’S NOT BROUGHT TO PERFECTION UNTIL THAT HAPPENS. GOD WANTS TO USE YOU. HE DOESN’T WANT YOU JUST TO GATHER IN BUILDINGS AND GAWK AT SOME PREACHER ALL THE TIME. THAT’S GOOD. COME TO MY CONFERENCES. GO TO CHURCH. YOU NEED TO BE TAUGHT. YOU NEED TO COME TOGETHER LIKE THIS BUT DON’T COME JUST TO GET YOUR BLESSING. COME TO LEARN SOMETHING SO YOU CAN GO BACK OUT THERE AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR WORLD. IF YOU DON’T DO THAT, YOU’LL COME BACK THE NEXT TIME I’M HERE AND YOU WON’T BE ANY HAPPIER THAN YOU WERE THIS TIME. (applause)

(Joyce) TODAY WHEN YOU LEAVE HERE AND SOMEBODY SAYS “WHAT DID JOYCE TALK ABOUT?” YOU CAN SAY “SHE TOLD ME NOT TO BE A PHONY, TO STRAIGHTEN UP AND GET A LOVE WALK, TO GET A RIGHT ATTITUDE, AND REALIZE WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT.” LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE. ACTUALLY HEBREWS 10:24 SAYS THAT WE SHOULD STUDY HOW WE CAN STIR ONE ANOTHER UP TO GOOD WORKS. THAT’S PART OF OUR JOB EVEN WITH ONE ANOTHER, IS TO ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER TO DO GOOD WORKS. LET’S LOOK AT 1 JOHN 4:12, BACK AGAIN TO THE IMPORTANCE OF FELLOWSHIPPING WITH GOD AND HOW IF YOU HANG OUT WITH LOVE, YOU’LL BEGIN TO WANT TO LOVE OTHER PEOPLE. GOD IS LOVE SO WHEN YOU FELLOWSHIP WITH GOD, YOU’RE FELLOWSHIPPING WITH LOVE. I LOVE THIS. HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE GOD? (Yeah!) OKAY, GET READY. (1 JOHN 4:12) NO MAN HAS AT ANY TIME YET SEEN GOD. 

BUT IF WE LOVE ONE ANOTHER, GOD ABIDES. LET’S PUT IT A LITTLE PLAINER: NO MAN HAS AT ANY TIME SEEN GOD, BUT IF WE LOVE ONE ANOTHER, GOD IS THERE. THAT’S HOW YOU SEE GOD, BY SEEING LOVE BECAUSE GOD IS LOVE. IT MIGHT TAKE ME AWHILE TO GET THIS THROUGH TO YOU LIKE IT CAME ACROSS TO ME BUT AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS OF STRUGGLING AND TRYING TO KEEP RULES AND REGULATIONS AND TRYING TO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, TRYING TO PLEASE GOD, WONDERING IF GOD WAS MAD AT ME, ALL THAT JUNK THAT I WENT THROUGH, WHEN I STARTED UNDERSTANDING THAT THE MAIN THING GOD WAS REQUIRING OUT OF ME WAS TO LOVE HIM AND LOVE PEOPLE, I THOUGHT: YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN LEARN HOW TO DO THAT! I CAN GET THAT. THAT’S NOT HARD. JUST GET UP EVERY DAY AND BE GOOD TO SOMEBODY, MEET NEEDS, HELP PEOPLE, PUT SMILES ON FACES. THAT’S SOMETHING WE CAN ALL DO. CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING? I BELIEVE THIS WITH ALL MY HEART: IF YOU’LL CONCENTRATE ON THAT, ALL THE REST OF THE STUFF THAT YOU’RE SO CONCERNED ABOUT WILL FALL INTO PLACE. HELLO?  ALL THE REST OF THE STUFF THAT YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT WILL FALL INTO PLACE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP SOMEBODY? MAN, IT GETS QUIET. (laughing)

YES, SIR, I’M GOING TO CHURCH TOMORROW AND GET MY BLESSING! WELL, GUESS WHAT, YOU’RE GOING FOR THE WRONG REASON. SOMETIMES EVEN FROM THE PULPIT WE DON’T TEACH PEOPLE RIGHT. COME AND LET US MINISTER TO YOU, COME AND LET US HELP YOU, COME AND LET US PRAY FOR YOU. PAUL TOLD PEOPLE TO PRAY FOR HIM.  HE NEVER SAID ONE TIME “SEND ME YOUR PRAYER REQUESTS.” HE SAID: PRAY FOR ME. PRAY FOR ME THAT I MIGHT PREACH THE GOSPEL BOLDLY AND PRAY FOR ME THAT I WON’T GET KILLED WHILE I’M OUT TRYING TO DO THIS, AND PRAY FOR ME THAT GOD WILL KEEP ME SAFE, AND PRAY FOR ME THAT I’LL FINISH THE CALL ON MY LIFE.  HE DIDN’T SAY “SEND ME YOUR PRAYER REQUESTS.” OH, YOU MEAN YOU DON’T WANT OUR PRAYER REQUESTS? I DIDN’T SAY THAT! (laughing)

(Joyce) I THINK WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT WHAT IF YOU FEEL THE PERSON DOESN’T DESERVE IT IS WORTH CAMPING ON TOP OF FOR A MINUTE BECAUSE I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WATCHING RIGHT NOW — AND I CAN EVEN THINK OF A RELATIONSHIP IN MY OWN LIFE; NOT IN MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY BUT ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL WHO BASICALLY HAS AGGRAVATED ME FOR YEARS, AND THE THING THAT THEY PROBABLY NEED MORE THAN ANYTHING IS COMPLIMENTS AND WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. AND I KNOW THAT, BUT IT’S VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO GIVE THAT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU JUST SAID. SO I THINK A GOOD POINT THAT YOU JUST SAID IS THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING, YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING — “YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE,” OR “YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF,” OR WHATEVER IT IS TO AT LEAST GET STARTED.

AND, REALLY, FOR CHRISTIANS WHO ARE TRYING TO WALK IN OBEDIENCE TO GOD, I THINK IT’S WORTH IT TO KEEP BRINGING UP THAT POINT OF SACRIFICE, THAT JESUS SAID, “IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE MY DISCIPLE AND FOLLOW ME, YOU’VE GOT TO FORGET YOURSELF, LOSE SIGHT OF YOURSELF AND ALL YOUR OWN INTERESTS, AND TAKE UP YOUR CROSS AND FOLLOW ME.” SO WE DON’T GIVE SOMEBODY WHAT THEY NEED BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT; WE GIVE THEM THAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. AND LIKE YOU SAID, SOMEBODY’S GOT TO GET THE BALL ROLLING, SO YOU START FIRST DOING THAT.

(Dr. Chapman) AND, YOU KNOW, JOYCE, PART OF WHAT HELPS YOU DO THAT IS UNDERSTANDING THAT EVERY PERSON TO WHOM YOU’RE RELATED IS MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD, THEY’RE GIFTED BY GOD, IF THEY’RE CHRISTIANS THEY HAVE A PLACE IN THE FAMILY OF GOD. AND WHEN I REMIND MYSELF OF THAT ABOUT THIS PERSON WHO IRRITATES ME, THAT THEY ARE VALUABLE, THEY ARE LOVED BY GOD, THEY ARE MY BROTHER OR MY SISTER – OR IF THEY’RE NOT A CHRISTIAN, THEY’RE A PERSON FOR WHOM CHRIST DIED AND HE LOVES THEM – IT HELPS ME, IT GIVES ME THE RATIONALE FOR SPEAKING THEIR LANGUAGE, SPEAKING LOVE TO THEM NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY’RE DOING BUT BECAUSE OF WHO THEY ARE. AND TO ME, THAT’S ALWAYS BEEN HELPFUL.

(Joyce) I THINK THAT EVERYBODY PROBABLY NEEDS WORDS OF AFFIRMATION TO A CERTAIN POINT. ONE OF MY PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGES IS ACTS OF SERVICE, AND THANK GOD MY HUSBAND DOES A LOT OF LITTLE THINGS FOR ME: HONEY, WILL YOU GET ME A KLEENEX; HONEY, WOULD YOU… HE’S VERY GOOD ABOUT GETTING UP OUT OF HIS CHAIR WHEN I’M RESTING AND GETTING ME SOME LITTLE THING THAT I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE. HE’S ALSO VERY GOOD AT TELLING ME HE LOVES ME AND THAT I LOOK NICE AND THINGS LIKE THAT. BUT THAT’S PROBABLY NOT MY PRIMARY, WHERE MY DAUGHTER WHO NEEDS THE TIME, ALSO SHE NEEDS WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. SO WHEN SHE FIRST GOT MARRIED, HER HUSBAND WAS MORE LAID BACK AND HE DIDN’T GIVE THAT, AND IT WAS A REAL ISSUE BETWEEN THEM UNTIL THEY LEARNED THESE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. SO I CAN SAY FOR A FACT THAT YOUR INFORMATION HAS HELPED MY FAMILY PERSONALLY, AND I REALLY THINK THAT IT’S HELPFUL TO EVERYBODY. I THINK THIS IS SUCH A KEY THING FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND. YOU’RE GOING TO BE WITH US A FEW MORE DAYS AND WE’RE GOING TO GET TO TALK ABOUT SOME MORE OF THESE LOVE LANGUAGES IN DETAIL, SO WE’RE GOING TO LOOK FORWARD TO IT TOMORROW.

WELL, MY SIX-CD TEACHING SERIES “WALKING IN LOVE” I BELIEVE IS GOING TO BE A REAL BENEFIT TO YOU IN THIS AREA. AND THEN WE ALSO WANT TO SEND YOU DR. CHAPMAN’S BOOK “THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.” SO THINK ABOUT THAT — TEACHINGS ON CD, TEACHINGS IN BOOK… IF YOU’RE SERIOUS ABOUT MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS BETTER, YOU’RE GOING TO GET THE INFORMATION THAT YOU NEED TO GET AND LEARN. WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE WE PERISH. WE REALLY CANNOT MAKE ANYTHING BETTER IF WE DON’T TAKE IN INFORMATION.  SO YOU GET DOWN ALL THIS INFORMATION AND START GETTING THE HELP THAT YOU NEED. YOU TAKE THE FIRST STEP TOWARD MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS BETTER.  IF YOU SOW SEED BY DOING YOUR PART, YOU’LL REAP A HARVEST. MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN TOMORROW AS WE CONTINUE OUR DISCUSSION ON LOVE, AND WE’LL SHOW YOU HOW TO DISCOVER YOUR SPOUSE’S PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE. GOD BLESS YOU AND HAVE AN AWESOME REST OF THE DAY!

(Joyce) DR. CHAPMAN, WE WANT TO CENTER A LITTLE BIT ON ONE OF THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE DAY TODAY AND THAT IS WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. BUT FIRST LET ME JUST ASK YOU A QUESTION. WE’RE TALKING A LOT ABOUT HOW THESE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES OPERATE BETWEEN MARRIAGE PARTNERS, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL OF OUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS? DO THEY WORK THE SAME THERE?

(Dr. Chapman) THEY REALLY DO; THEY APPLY IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS. I WROTE THE BOOK ORIGINALLY FOR COUPLES, BUT I HAD A LOT OF SINGLE ADULTS SAY TO ME, “I KNOW YOU WROTE THAT FOR COUPLES, BUT I READ IT AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I UNDERSTAND MY MOTHER.” (Joyce laughing) SO, YES, THEY APPLY IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS — NOT JUST FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS, BUT IN THE WORK PLACE — WHETHER OR NOT PEOPLE FEEL APPRECIATED.  IF YOU LEARN THEIR LANGUAGE AND SPEAK IT, THEY FEEL MORE APPRECIATED IN THE WORK PLACE.

(Joyce) IT ALWAYS BLESSES PEOPLE WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE TO THEM, SO WHAT ALL HAVE YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS “WORDS OF AFFIRMATION”?

(Dr. Chapman) THIS IS MY FAVORITE LOVE LANGUAGE BECAUSE THIS IS MY LOVE LANGUAGE, OKAY?

(Joyce) I LOVE YOUR SHIRT! I LOVE YOUR TIE! YOU LOOK NICE.

(Dr. Chapman) THANK YOU! I REALIZED THAT ONE OF THE REASONS I FELT SO HURT IN THE EARLY YEARS OF MY MARRIAGE IS THAT MY WIFE GAVE ME CRITICAL STATEMENTS PRIMARILY BECAUSE I WASN’T MEETING HER NEEDS. SHE DIDN’T FEEL LOVED. HER LANGUAGE IS ACTS OF SERVICE; I WASN’T DOING MUCH TO HELP HER SO SHE WOULD GIVE ME CRITICAL WORDS ABOUT WHAT I WASN’T DOING. AND EVERY TIME SHE GAVE ME CRITICAL WORDS, IT WAS LIKE A DAGGER IN MY HEART. I HAD NO IDEA OF THE LOVE LANGUAGES IN THOSE DAYS; I JUST KNEW I WAS HURTING. I FELT LIKE SHE DIDN’T LOVE ME. I FELT LIKE SOMETIMES SHE HATED ME. SO WHEN FINALLY I REALIZED AND SHE REALIZED THAT WORDS OF AFFIRMATION WAS MY LANGUAGE, AND SHE STARTED TURNING THAT AROUND AND I STARTED TURNING MY BEHAVIOR AROUND, OUR WHOLE MARRIAGE CHANGED. AND I GUESS THAT’S WHY I HAVE SO MUCH HOPE FOR OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE MARRIED AND BE MISERABLE.  WHEN YOU LEARN TO SPEAK THE RIGHT LANGUAGE… SO NOW MY WIFE GIVES ME WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.  I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT HER SAYING, “HONEY, I LOVE YOU. HAVE A GREAT DAY. I’M PRAYING FOR YOU.” WHATEVER — BUT POSITIVE WORDS. I LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH A FULL LOVE TANK. AND I TRY BEFORE I LEAVE THE HOUSE TO TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT, DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR HER SO SHE KNOWS THAT I LOVE HER. IT REALLY MAKES A TREMENDOUS DIFFERENCE IF YOUR SPOUSE’S LANGUAGE IS WORDS OF AFFIRMATION THAT YOU GIVE THEM WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. NOW SOMETIMES THAT CAN BE HARD IF YOU FEEL LIKE THEY DON’T DESERVE THEM; THEY’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE. BUT I’VE FOUND THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN HONESTLY GIVE A PERSON A WORD OF AFFIRMATION ABOUT. MAYBE HE DOESN’T TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT BUT ONCE A MONTH, BUT RATHER THAN SAYING, “IT’S ABOUT TIME,” YOU SAY, “HONEY, THANKS FOR TAKING THE GARBAGE OUT.” SO YOU AFFIRM THE LITTLE THINGS THAT YOU CAN AFFIRM, AND WHAT HAPPENS IF THIS IS THEIR LANGUAGE IS THEY BEGIN TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY TOWARDS YOU BECAUSE THEY’RE RECEIVING FROM YOU WHAT THEY NEED TO RECEIVE, AND CONSEQUENTLY YOU WILL SEE A CHANGE IN THEIR BEHAVIOR. BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO START THE PROCESS. SOMEBODY HAS TO BREAK THROUGH AND START SPEAKING THE SPOUSE’S LANGUAGE.

GET YOU A LITTLE NOTEBOOK AND START WRITING DOWN LITTLE LOVE SAYINGS THAT YOU HEAR OTHER PEOPLE SAY ON TELEVISION OR BY READING THE NEWSPAPER OR YOU JUST HEAR SOMEONE ELSE SAY. WRITE THEM DOWN. OR THINGS THAT MAYBE YOU COULD SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE. STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, READ THE LIST OUT LOUD SO YOU HEAR YOURSELF SAYING THESE THINGS, AND THEN YOU PICK OUT ONE. YOU WALK IN THE ROOM WHERE SHE IS WHEN SHE’S LOOKING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AND YOU JUST SAY ONE OF THEM AND RUN! (laughing) AND WHAT YOU’VE DONE IS YOU’VE BROKEN THE BARRIER AND THE NEXT TIME IT WILL BE EASIER, AND THE NEXT TIME IT WILL BE EASIER. WE CAN LEARN TO SPEAK ANY OF THESE LOVE LANGUAGES, BUT WE HAVE TO START WHERE WE ARE, ADMIT IT’S NOT NATURAL FOR ME, BUT IF IT’S MY SPOUSE’S LANGUAGE, I’M GOING TO LEARN TO SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE.

Joyce) I THINK WHAT YOU’RE SAYING THERE IS A VERY GOOD POINT TO MAKE SURE OUR AUDIENCE IS GETTING, IS THAT WE CAN LEARN THIS.

(Dr. Chapman) YES.

(Joyce) WE CAN LEARN THIS. JUST BECAUSE IT DOESN’T COME NATURAL TO YOU DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU CAN’T LEARN THIS. I KNOW I WAS… MY HUSBAND IS A REAL STRONG, EASY-GOING, LAID-BACK PHLEGMATIC PERSONALITY WHO DOESN’T REALLY SEEM TO NEED A LOT OF ANYTHING. HE’S JUST PRETTY SATISFIED. WE’VE EVEN TALKED ABOUT THIS. I’LL SAY, “WHAT ARE YOUR LOVE LANGUAGES?” “OH, I DON’T KNOW.” I SAID, “DO YOU LIKE GIFTS?” “WELL, YEAH, IF IT’S SOMETHING I NEED.” “DO YOU LIKE WORDS OF AFFIRMATION?” “WELL, YEAH, I GUESS EVERYBODY LIKES COMPLIMENTS.” HE’S JUST SO SATISFIED THAT HE HAS A DIFFICULT TIME KNOWING REALLY WHAT HE WANTS. BUT I THINK JUST BECAUSE SOMEBODY DOESN’T RESPOND LIKE, “OH, THANK YOU, I NEEDED THAT,” THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T NEED IT. GOD REALLY PUT ON MY HEART THAT I NEEDED TO COMPLIMENT MY HUSBAND MORE. AT FIRST I THOUGHT DAVE DOESN’T NEED THAT BECAUSE HE DOESN’T ALWAYS RESPOND LIKE, “OH, THANK YOU! THAT REALLY BUILDS ME UP.” BUT I NOTICED AS I BEGAN TO JUST OBEY GOD AND DO THAT, ALL OF A SUDDEN DAVE STARTED DOING SOME THINGS THAT I HAD WANTED HIM TO DO WITHOUT ME EVEN NAGGING HIM TO DO THEM. SO I THINK IT’S GOOD FOR OUR VIEWERS TO REALIZE, TOO, THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T GET A REAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSE FROM SOMEBODY ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING, THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T NEED IT AND DON’T APPRECIATE IT BECAUSE MAYBE THEY JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND.

(Joyce) IS IT HARD FOR SOME PEOPLE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS?

(Dr. Chapman) TYPICALLY NOT IF YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT. YOU KNOW, TYPICALLY IF YOU… WELL, THERE ARE THREE BASIC QUESTIONS YOU CAN ASK YOURSELF TO DISCOVER YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE. ONE IS: WHAT DO I COMPLAIN ABOUT MOST OFTEN?  THAT’S THE BIGGEST CLUE BECAUSE YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THE THING THAT HURTS YOU MOST. SO IF YOUR SPOUSE IS SAYING, “WE DON’T EVER SPEND ANY TIME TOGETHER,” THEY’RE TELLING YOU THAT QUALITY TIME IS THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE. SO THE COMPLAINT IS THE BIG THING. BUT ALSO YOU CAN OBSERVE YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR. HOW DO YOU EXPRESS LOVE TO OTHER PEOPLE?  IF YOU’RE ALWAYS PATTING PEOPLE ON THE BACK OR ARE ALWAYS HUGGING PEOPLE, PHYSICAL TOUCH IS PROBABLY YOUR LANGUAGE. SO HOW DO YOU EXPRESS LOVE TO OTHER PEOPLE? AND THEN, THE THIRD IS WHAT DO YOU REQUEST MOST OFTEN OF THE OTHER PERSON? IF YOU’RE SAYING, “HONEY, DO YOU THINK WE CAN GET A WEEKEND TOGETHER AWAY THIS SUMMER?” YOU’RE ASKING FOR QUALITY TIME.

(Joyce) I THINK TODAY, DR. CHAPMAN, BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS SO BUSY, AND I KNOW I’M VERY GUILTY OF THIS, IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO GIVE SOMEBODY SOMETHING THAN IT IS TO GIVE THEM MY TIME. HOWEVER, I HAVE A DAUGHTER – I HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS – BUT MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IN PARTICULAR, HER LOVE LANGUAGE IS QUALITY TIME.  SHE WANTS QUALITY TIME. SO I CAN GIVE HER GIFTS UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME, AND ALTHOUGH SHE APPRECIATES THEM AND SHE DOES ENJOY GIFTS, THAT’S NOT GOING TO SATISFY HER NEED BETWEEN US IF I DON’T “SACRIFICE” AND GIVE HER TIME. SO I THINK WE HAVE TO REALIZE THAT SOMETIMES LOVE DOES REQUIRE SACRIFICE. AND SO IN GIVING SOMEBODY ELSE WHAT THEY NEED, IT MAY NOT BE THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING FOR YOU. SOME MEN ARE UNCOMFORTABLE – OR EVEN WOMEN – ARE UNCOMFORTABLE GIVING COMPLIMENTS.

(Dr. Chapman) YEAH. I THINK THAT’S AN EXCELLENT POINT BECAUSE OFTEN THE LOVE LANGUAGE OF YOUR SPOUSE IS SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T COME NATURAL FOR YOU BECAUSE IT’S NOT SOMETHING THAT YOU’VE BEEN SPEAKING THROUGH THE YEARS, IT’S NOT SOMETHING THAT WAS SPOKEN TO YOU AS A CHILD, PERHAPS. SO WE HAVE TO START FUNDAMENTALLY AND BASICALLY TO UNDERSTAND THAT LOVE IS SOMETHING YOU’RE DOING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. IT MAY NOT COME NATURAL FOR YOU. FOR EXAMPLE, LET’S SAY WORDS OF AFFIRMATION IS YOUR SPOUSE’S LANGUAGE. I’VE HAD MANY MEN SAY TO ME, “I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT THESE WORDS ARE IMPORTANT TO HER BUT I DON’T FEEL RIGHT…” SO I SAY, “OKAY, LET’S START FUNDAMENTALLY.